Date:	2005-10-24 19:27
Subject:	getting through
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	Biff Bang Pow! - There Must be a Better Life

I think every year I've built up a new essential part of myself, and while at the time it may have been hard to see past the banality of it all, now looking back I can understand.

And I'm trying hard to use that piece of insight to get through right now.

Date:	2005-10-17 21:48
Subject:	africa
Security:	Public
Mood:	guilty
Music:	kings of convenience

So its the eve of the day I left for Africa last year. I can't believe how much time has passed. It doesn't help that I started training at a new job today. Whenever I meet new people somehow it comes up that I spent the past year in Africa. Its kind of hard to hide it. I'm a good liar but I can't seem to lie about that....but then the questions start and the sad faces show and the comments on how many horrible things I must have seen begin. And out pour my automatic responses.

What I don't tell people is the unbelievable guilt I have felt since coming home. The guilt I feel living the life I live. About not doing more when I was there. About not doing more right now. About not knowing what to do.

But on my walk home I wrote in some wet cement and it made me feel a tiny bit better.

Date:	2005-10-16 15:14
Subject:	Knew I'd Be Crap
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	Nick Drake

Lying on my friends bed drunk and stoned, live journal seemed like the greatest idea ever. But I knew I'd never keep it up properly.

Anyhow...job hunt is done for a bit. As of tomorrow I will begin training to work in the prestigious position of Business Provision Technician. Or as I think its more acurately described, a fucking call centre. At least it pays better than all the other crappy temp jobs I'd looked at. Waiting to hear from a few other ones, but I won't hold my breath.

Knowing I'd be tied down as of tomorrow, Stu and I decided to head off for a quick trip. Flew to Basel in Switzerland, then took the train up to Freiburg in Germany, and over to Zurich. Was good fun, but made my head swim, as travelling always does. Made me want to live somewhere else, do something else, be someone else. Especially made me want the money to be able to do any of those things.

I wanna learn to play the drums. I want to make my own shoes. I want to start my own NGO. I want to speak five languages....or even just two.

Oiii....the twins are home....no more silence for delving into my thoughts....

Date:	2005-09-04 12:50
Subject:	What am I doing....?
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	The Sundays - Can't Be Sure

So I'm in England now. What a month...I've gone from drinking and shopping here...




...to Norwich,UK...cobble stoned streets, chavs, bad showers, bland food and not a friend for miles. One month ago I was washing my laundry in a bucket outside the Chikatula's house, the family I stayed with in Zambia. When I left, I travelled across the border to Malawi, flew to Ethiopia, flew to London, decided suddenly to fly home to Toronto to surprise my mum on her birthday, stayed three weeks and now here I am in Norwich. For a boy, no less.

I don't usually do things 'for' boys. I still don't consider this to be 'for' him. It was a combination of things. I met Stu in Africa. We travelled together for nearly 9 months. Slept in a tent, dug our truck out of mud and sand, cooked on campfires...we've seen more of each other than most couples. But we've never seen each other or experienced real life together, so I thought I'd give it a go.

But now I'm having a bit of a freak-out. This always happens. Once I get to a point in a relationship were a guy really, really seems to like me, I start wondering why. I start thinking there must be something wrong with him to like 'me' so much. So I start finding things wrong with a guy and then they start annoying me and then I start trying to find ways to get out of the relationship. I've only been here three days now and I keep worrying that he'll do something crazy soon, like say 'i love you!' That scares the hell out of me.

I'll stick it out though. Norwich is quite nice actually. I've been craving a bit of stability since I've pretty much been travelling for four years straight with few breaks. And I'll avoid the brutal Toronto winter. And my two closest friends will also be away from the city so I won't feel like I'm missing them as much...

Okay....must start job hunting....